i know no one’s gonna read this but might as well rant on for a little .

i wish i could be the happy person i once was and put down this stupid wall i put up all the time. i feel like im the girl everyone knows but no one truly knows. i’d hate to say im jealous of her but i am. ive been trying to ignore and block out these feelings but it seems like a recurring thing. greaaaaaaaaaaaat. 

I feel as if she has everything. Great body, personality and the whole package but what about me ? :/ 

i know i shouldnt think thoughts like this but every single time i go on facebook or even go to freaking school its oh so obvious. im sure if everyone had to choose between me and her ( not that it’d ever come to that, but hypothetically speaking ) everyone would choose her. i wouldnt blame em either i mean what good am i really ? 

I can’t seem to get over this for some reason, just something new to discuss with my therapist i guess. who i havent called back due to procrastination and just being afraid. 

Ughhhhhhhhh.

On top of this , i miss him. idc what anyone says yeah he may have all the girls but i still love him. just like the song ex-factor by lauryn hill . i know i could never fully have him and no matter how hard i try to fix things something always goes wrong. everyone sees a monster in him i see my first love so i guess im a fool in love ..

i have 3 essays to write for scholarships *sarcasm filled yippie* did i start? NOPE 

i should be starting i will of course but i just sit here with shit on my head all the time, yeah its not an excuse people have it worse off than me i know i know *sigh*

I wish i was the friend people would turn to. i block off people for alot of reasons. thats why even when i get in a quarrel with someone i just dont argue anymore. i cant be bothered its too much for me. I guess its safe to say i really dont trust anyone, i feel almost as if everyones out to get me. i want my life back all my insecurities just seem to always hold me back . fear being the biggest one of them.

im tired of life, i need a break . i want need and crave happiness. time to put on a fake smile yet again .?